I am quite sick of feeling so inadequate and insignificant tonight. I am tired and I need to do something about it. Maybe get a goddamn job or something, because it is quite clear that I am just a leech in the family. Haha, my all shining brother and all his accomplishments at 17.
Dude, I suck. I bookmarked the page and promise myself I would visit once a week to brush up on my vocabulary and useless painting knowledge but then I forgot. So since my internet is lagging too much to download educational videos properly, I am playing some nice vocabulary games while conveniently donating rice to people.
Haha so I maxed out on French vocabs in a couple of minutes. Whoops. There were only 10 levels as opposed to the 60 levels for English that I will never max out.
If you are bored, go try it out and feed some people. Hunger sucks and rice is good. Plus, hey, YOU LEARN STUFF. :D
Maybe I am suffering from internet withdrawal right now. Or maybe it’s one of those times I am trying to watch a freaking math video and it won’t load. I am now angry because I plan to get one full hour of study before 12.
I wrote stuff to myself in my school planner instead of taking notes.
There is nothing you can blame for your own failures except your inability and your insecurity. Looking back though, it’s not that important. It’s life and people fuck up. What’s important though is moving on. You got Fs on math test? Please, people did worse. You can’t dance? Well, when you were 1, I don’t think you can even walk, so this is a damn improvement. You can’t draw? Come on, have you even look at your old sketch books? The stuff you crap out in five minutes look so much better than what you used to strain your neck on for hours.
You have improved. Good job. I am proud of you. Sometimes I think your parents are secretly proud of you too but they are afraid to show it because they want you to be more wonderful or something. Not that you won’t try to become more wonderful if they compliment you more or anything.
When you are tired and feel insignificant, drink some milk and take a nap. Then wake up and realize that before you are fully awake, in the moments that you are groggy and disoriented, you are indestructible. In those moments, forget about Galileo, the sun, hell, let’s say even the universe, revolves around you. Yeah you with the massive bedhead. See, naps are great.
So I stared at some Calculus videos and was feeling quite dumb for not understanding it but I found out that it’s one of the topics for Calculus BC. Now I am pretty happy because hey, one less topic to die over next year.
No I don’t understand why I am learning over the SUMMER FUN FUN TIME, but I am sort of proud of myself. Plus it keeps the parents off my back, so it’s a bonus?
I should really go back to rereading Le Petit Prince with a dictionary though. So many words I skipped over. Well, the good thing is, I am at least aware of the main plot so it’s going well with my French skills.
-Ice cream, preferably with cone if you somehow manage
-Whatever amount of ration available in your room
It’s like finding your way around your house, a familiarity, in the dark. Numerous trips and tumbles later, you found out that it is harder than you thought, and you have the bruised knee to testify for it. You felt sort of disappointed, since you move almost blindingly through this place on a day to day basis, and barely break a sweat. Then the loneliness hits because you realize you are alone in the dark, and it somehow overwhelms your sense of fear. Maybe you fear being alone.
Well, that funny feeling lasted for what seemed to be half an hour, but according to your nice and battery-powered clock, was 6 minutes. Your brain sent you a lovely text message that perhaps you should go get some ice cream, because that shit tastes especially awesome during a black out. So after an eternity of bumping into strategically placed pieces of furniture, you came back into your room with a nice bowl of coneless ice cream. Those stupid cones, you didn’t know where you put the box. Very possible that they were hanging out with the flashlight, whom you also failed to locate.
So now you are sitting infront of a screen eating ice cream. Tappity tap. Doesn’t this sound familiar?
Well, there is no doubt about it. My computer is dying.
I have a strange attachment to certain objects.
For example, I have one computer and three laptops. Two of these laptops are from 2010 or later, while my computer is from 2006. The odd thing is, I always seem to be using the computer and leaving my laptops tucked away in a corner of my closet, possibly already quite dusty. I don’t really know why I put up with this machine. It has several fan issues and had to be reformatted several times but I still regularly use it.
Lately though, it has gotten so bad that my patient is running out. Constant freezing and inability to process simple things like opening up a music player has made me tired. I’ve been thinking of replacing it for a while now, but I hesitate because it has to be perfect. I get these kind of quirks from my dad’s side, where practically everyone know or is some kind of computer tech.
When it comes to computer vs laptop, I prefer the computer. I am used to having my wrists at a comfortable angle and not having to look down to see the screen. Wifi over here is noticeably slower, so that’s not helping. If I can have my way, I would buy new parts and put them together in my current computer tower box, so it would look like I am using my old computer. I know, I’m odd and I am rambling. Well.
However, my dad thinks the idea is silly, and well it is, so he suggests I just use the laptops that I have. I know I should. I mean, they are just sitting there, but I did not ask for them to be there. If I can give them to my cousins, I would. I am a frugal Asian and I hate wasting money. Hell, if I could sell them, I would too.
So now I am stuck with my stubbornness and a slow computer. It’s totally my fault, too.
I have spent the past two hours comparing dual core and quad core processors for my to be new computer. I Googled basically stuff like “Will CS4 run better on a quad core machine?” and “multicore processors and gaming.” Then things got distracting and I was off to research Intelcore vs AMD Phenom, several desktop tower models, Newegg, and processors.
…and somehow, SOMEHOW, I ended up listening to Nyan Cat’s smooth jazz cover.
It’s 1 AM and things move quite slowly. My eyelids are heavy but I can’t stop. It has become a bad habit. I know I’m not supposed to stay up this late and frankly, I don’t have anything better to do on the Internet besides listening to music really quietly or check out people’s blogs so I have no idea why I keep this up. This monotony. I am pretty sure once I decide to stop though, my brain will start hibernating or something and I’ll be a zombie in five seconds flat. Right now though, I am forming what seems to be coherent sentences. Great.
I need to fix my sleep schedule. I think it’s going to be a pain on my health. I can’t wait until I am forty and all tired and dying. Lovely.