Wow life sucks because I conveniently forgot to restock on coffee.
Alright, time to sleep.
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I can’t stop laughing at this picture omfg.
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“Free Pandas”
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I feel like this summarizes my attempts at contributions to fandom
Okay so mayybeee I should actually draw decent fanart over the summer.
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Poster design for ‘Peter & the Wolf’ (graphite and digital)
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06/16/13
The last two hours did not go well.
Mom didn’t feel like going out to eat for Father’s day, so she ended up staying home while we went out to eat. The food was good. Dad got his favorite fish porridge and we ordered mom something to eat back home. We got home and said hi to mom, then I set her order of take out on the counter and headed to my room.
I didn’t notice she was silently following me.
Fuck carpet, really.
It turned out, she went in my room while we were out eating and decided to do cleaning.
And by cleaning, I meant some how found my stash of old test scores that I never threw away (dumb me dumb me dumb me) and laid them out all over my desk (neatly of course, since I was anything but neat) with my Calculus test, the one that I got a big fat F on, taped to my monitor. I sorta paused near the door a bit, just taking it all in and wondering why she would go through my things like that and just DO that.
“I’m so disappointed in you” was what I heard moment later and fuck it, I wanted to cry really badly right then and there, just collapse on the floor and cry because SHIT, yeah, it was really, really true, she was disappointed in me…just like how every one else seemed to be for the past few years.
(but I didn’t, because it wasn’t like I didn’t know that I disappointed her years ago. Her comment felt like a stab, but still, I didn’t cry then and there, I hadn’t cried emotionally in front of people for a long long time. It felt like a guilt trip so I stopped.)
Instead, I took a deep breath and decided to put the crying on hold after she was done listing out the numerous ways I had failed her (and everyone else), how I could have been better, so much better, and how I was wasting my brain on useless crap (games, art, staying up at 3 AM)…
“The things I do, I do for you.”
(Sometimes I would sit at the dinner table, after getting a horrendous score on my test, and there would be be a dish or two of my favorite meal, steaming hot. I would sit there and silently think about whether I deserve to eat dinner or not. I eat, every time, promising myself that I would do better on the next test…or the next…or the next….)
“You don’t seem to care about your grade at all”
(The first time I got an F, it was in early middle school and my English was atrocious. The math test involved some word problems and it involved sports terms that confused me, so I ended up leaving some problems blank. When I got home, I promptly hid the test and vomited in the bathroom sink. No one knew. I tried harder after that, but then I failed the next test too, because fuck English and words that younger me didn’t understand.)
“You could have gotten so much better grades if you tried harder.”
(I don’t think I can count the numbers of time I tried and failed, and how afterward, I always feel so sad that I put my homework in the corner and went on an eating/gaming/movie/art spree to make myself feel better. Temporary quick fixes, but they work. They cost me hours of studying time, but hey, my feeling/sanity was salvaged. Not that it mattered)
“What happened to you? You used to be so good.”
(Sometimes I wondered the same thing. Sometimes I would like to think I found the answer: I have great troubles doing things that I hate, and I have developed a hatred for math ever since I came to the United States. This is not a rant about the United State’s educational system, really. I will save that for another day)
“It feels like my words fall on deaf ears.”
(I listen. I listen to what my parents say, really. It’s just that maybe I am not equipped to be the person they desperately want me to be right now. She is a good, wonderful person and I do wish to be like her, but frankly, it’s too emotionally draining to try very, very hard on tests and then failing them. I keep trying to a minimum nowadays. Maybe I am just being an overly dramatic teenager, but school drains me and the internet makes me happy and sometimes these two things conflict. I tend to pick internet, 80% of the time, because I make dumb life choices for short term happiness)
“Alright, I will leave now. You will either think about this or just go on the internet again.”
(I did both. I cried for a good ten minutes into my pillow, stared at the ceiling thinking about all the assignments I still have to do and all the tests I still have to study for, and hopped on the internet.)
Because fuck it. I need to feel better before I can actually do homework again. Whoever says that you work better when you are sad is just bullshitting themselves.
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i used to think that a foot of parchment was a lot and feel bad when harry potter characters were assigned to write that much
but then i realized the paper i write on is 8.5 by 11 inches.
so a foot of parchment is the equivalent of like, not even a page and a half of paper.
they complained SO MUCH about essays that were like
a page and a half
wtf guys
get your shit together
I don’t know about you guys but writing with quills that have to be dipped in ink is annoying as hell. It’s not like they can turn that stuff in in pencil or type that shit or anything.
QUILLS.
DIP.
INK EVERYWHERE.
/scratch scratch scratch
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